


Plant Heist

by Scmnz



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: BAMF Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crack Treated Seriously, Crowley's Plants (Good Omens), Established Relationship, Fluff and Crack, Humor, Insecure Crowley (Good Omens), M/M, Sharks, South Downs Cottage (Good Omens), bastard aziraphale, booby-traps, piranahs, plant abduction, post armageddon, resolved misunderstanding, spy movie tropes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:13:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24121900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scmnz/pseuds/Scmnz
Summary: Crowley reached for the poor plant, doubtless to destroy it. To punish it for its “flaws” the way he felt like he deserved? Aziraphale had always hated how Crowley treated the plants, but now that he knew what it truly meant? Enough was enough. He snapped, and the doorbell to the flat rang.“You lot, don’t go getting ideas. I’ll be back for you later.” Aziraphale crept in as Crowley left, and slid the succulent into a pocket for safekeeping....One by one, more plants disappeared from Crowley’s flat, into the second floor of the bookshop. Crowley resorts to some... creative defenses.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 159
Collections: Fandom Trumps Hate 2020





	Plant Heist

**Author's Note:**

  * For [penna_nomen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/penna_nomen/gifts).



It all started with a cactus. They are tough plants, adapted to survive even the harshest conditions on earth. A grumpy demon wasn’t enough to scare them. They listened to the hissed threats and stood tall, unshaken and unintimidated. 

The other plants watched in awe. 

***

Aziraphale rapped on the door to Crowley’s flat, but got no response. This was not unusual, perhaps the dear was napping. It was a surprise visit after all. Shrugging, Aziraphale let himself in with the key Crowley had given him for their anniversary. He moved quietly, so as not to wake the sleeping demon. He found the bedroom empty. Perhaps the darling was out gluing coins to the sidewalk in order to prove he still had his “evil” spark, Aziraphale thought. Oh well, he had a book. 

Just then he heard a distinctive hiss of anger, coming from the plant room. Ah, so that was what was going on. Aziraphale snuck over, hoping to surprise Crowley with a hug, and peered into the room. 

Crowley was glowering at a delicate, trembling little succulent. “What’s with this defiance?! You think you’ll be spared? Any flaw is enough to get thrown out. You know that, you all do!” He glared at the other plants. “Anything less than perfection just isn’t  _ good enough _ ! You’ll  _ never  _ be good enough!” 

Aziraphale blinked. Something about that phrase sounded familiar. One drunken night shortly after the apocalypse, when they had just gotten together. Crowley had had too much, even for a demon. Head lolling onto Aziraphale’s shoulder eyes slightly hazy, he had slurred out “ ‘M not good enough for you angel, you know. Never gonna be good enough.”

Crowley reached for the poor plant, doubtless to destroy it. To punish it for its “flaws” the way he felt like  _ he  _ deserved? Aziraphale had always hated how Crowley treated the plants, but now that he knew what it truly meant? Enough was enough. He snapped, and the doorbell to the flat rang. 

Crowley tried to glare, but a soft smile crossed his face. Only one person would come to visit him. “You lot, don’t go getting ideas. I’ll be back for you later.” Aziraphale crept in as Crowley left, and slid the succulent into a pocket for safekeeping. It would be safe, even though this wasn't actually good treatment for a plant. 

Aziraphale was just about to miracle himself to the flat's door, when he felt someone watching him. He turned to see a spiky cactus, a new addition to the plants. It stood resolute, unlike the rest of the trembling plants. Normally trembling, he corrected himself, for the rest seemed different as well, more determined, under its strong leadership. 

Aziraphale grinned and nodded at it. “I think our goals are quite similar, and I’ll help if I can.” The cactus bowed slightly in acknowledgment. 

Aziraphale would have to plot more later. For now, he had a demon to cuddle. 

***

A few days later, over lunch at a delightful little Thai place, Aziraphale broached the subject.

“You know, my dear, you really ought to be nicer to your plants.”

“Why do they deserve any kindness?”  _ Why do  _ **_I_ ** _ deserve any kindness?  _

Aziraphale frowned, trying to answer Crowley’s unasked question without being too obvious about it. “I don’t think the flaws you see are as bad as you think they are.”

“You really shouldn’t coddle them like that. Once they’ve gone bad there’s nothing you can do about it.” Crowley scowled.  _ I’m a demon, unforgivable, that’s me.  _

“They’re lovely, even when they aren’t perfect.”  _ You’re lovely, because you’re not perfect.  _

Crowley merely snorted. Aziraphale sighed. “I love you, darling.”

“Huh, where’d that come from?” Crowley avoided his gaze, “Love ya too angel.”   
  


***

That night, while Crowley was asleep, Aziraphale slipped into the flat. He looked about, searching for any plants likely to soon be receiving Crowley’s wrath. He spotted a fern in the corner, looking slightly wilted. 

The fern was far larger than the succulent he had rescued before. Aziraphale could, of course, simply miracle it elsewhere, but who knows where the poor dear would turn up or if it’d be a safe location. So instead, Aziraphale decided to carry it out and hope Crowley didn’t wake up. He lifted the large plant in its pot with ease, with the strength he was meant to use as a warrior, but that was rather more often used to carry large stacks of books. 

The fern’s leaves obscured his view, making the flight of stairs exiting the flat a nightmare. But slowly, carefully, Aziraphale made his way down, reaching the street below just before dawn's first light touched London. 

Walking all the way back to the bookshop with the plant simply wasn’t practical. Crowley had promised him brunch this morning, and would doubtless be there before he could make it back. 

Aziraphale sighed and set it down gently. “Don’t you worry, I’ll think of something.”

He glanced around, and his eyes landed on the freshly polished Bentley gleaming nearby. He stepped over to her and placed a hand gently on her hood. “I wonder, old girl, if you might be willing to help me in a… mission of sorts. It’s for Crowley’s benefit.” Well, that was technically the truth at least, even if Crowley wouldn’t see it that way.

The Bentley’s response was curiosity rather than outright mistrust, which was a good sign, but Aziraphale sensed she’d demand more information before agreeing. Ah well, nothing else for it. He explained the situation. 

As he finished the brief explanation of why the plants needed to be saved, he sensed some puzzlement, as if the Bentley knew something he did not. Still, her engine rumbled to life in a way that seemed to say, “I’ll protect them.” 

Aziraphale beamed, his smile almost as bright as the sunshine just starting to reach the edges of London. 

***

One by one, more plants disappeared from Crowley’s flat, into the second floor of the bookshop that Aziraphale used for book storage and which Crowley never saw.

Those that were left were not only the most vibrant of the lot, they were also the most resilient ones, inspired to defiance by the new cactus. 

***

Crowley was furious. Nothing he did or said seemed to scare the plants anymore. Furthermore, not one of them had a single spot or leaf out of place. Fear of retribution was all well and good, but he needed a reason for that. They had to do something to fall from his good graces. 

He stalked across the room, glowering at each of them and brandishing the spray bottle menacingly. “Just remember” he hissed. “One mistake is all it takes, before it’s all over.”

He stopped in front of that blessed cactus. It was the cause of all this, somehow, he just knew it. “You!” he pointed at it. “You better watch yourself. I’m the one who’s in charge here and you best remember that you-” He jabbed his finger at the plant to make his point, then yelped in pain. “Ouch!” 

On reflection, physically harassing a cactus was not the best idea. 

***

More plants vanished under the cactus's protective watch, with Aziraphale’s and the Bentley’s aid. Crowley had noticed, and increased his security accordingly. Thus far the angel had been able to subvert these defenses easily, since they were all designed to keep out mere mortals. 

Things were different as Aziraphale slipped in one night. He felt the sense of unease from the leader cactus, the warning to leave. He hid just in time before Crowley, who was not asleep as he had assumed he would be, sauntered in. He carried with him a box of electronics Aziraphale couldn’t make sense of. The demon was humming contentedly to himself, always a sign of trouble. Usually, trouble that would later bite Crowley in the butt and make him regret his decisions. 

Aziraphale crept out with only a small potted flower in his hands, leaving Crowley to set up his complicated devices with a smirk. He seemed to think he had won. Well, they’d just have to see about that, wouldn’t they.

***

Aziraphale set down his knife and fork, a determined look in his eye as he considered his dinner companion. “I’d like to give you one last chance to reconsider, my dear.”

Crowley blinked. “Reconsider what?”

“Well, you remember how I asked you to be kinder to your plants. You refused, of course.” 

“I can’t be kind, ‘m a demon.”

Aziraphale focused his eyes on where Crowley’s eyes hid behind his sunglasses.

“I’m giving you one last chance to change your mind before I take... drastic measures.” 

“So, it’s you who’s been taking them.” A slow grin spread Across Crowley’s face. “Well, I think you’ll find it impossible to take any more of them. My security has improved.”

“I think you’ll be the one finding that after all these years, I always know how to thwart you, my love.” Aziraphale kissed Crowley’s hand, before returning to his meal with a self-satisfied wiggle. 

***

Crowley stormed into the flat. This little Rebellion was aggravating, but the blessed plants had brought Aziraphale into it somehow. Enough was enough. 

“I will not stand for this.” He snarled at the plants. They did not so much as quiver in fear. His eyes fell on the cactus. This was all their fault. Well, he was going to put a stop to this behavior once and for all. 

Crowley lifted the cactus, and in an icy cold voice he hissed, “You know what I do with rebellious plants? I think it’s time for a little demonstration.”

The cactus stood stalwart, apparently unintimidated. The other plants seemed more worried. Kill the leader and stop the revolution. Cut off the head, and the body would fall. 

Crowley carried the cactus away from their comrades. The garbage disposal whirred. The few who were left trembled, but determinedly stood their ground. They had an ally who would come to rescue them. 

***

The flat looked like something from those spy films Crowley enjoyed so much. Aziraphale sighed at the scene before him. Cameras observed the area from every angle, but compared to everything else that seemed reasonable. Tripwires and pressure plates on the floor connected to an alarm system. A little Roomba with a flamethrower taped on top of it patrolled the area. And to top it all off. Aziraphale rolled his eyes. Laserbeams crisscrossed this room, because of course they did.

Well, if this was what Crowley had planned, he might as well look the part. Aziraphale snapped, and his usual outfit was replaced by something reminiscent of the lovechild of Indiana Jones and James Bond.

He could, of course, miracle away all of the booby-traps and defenses, but he wouldn’t dream of spoiling Crowley’s fun like that. 

Aziraphale may be soft, but he was also a warrior of heaven. These two were not contradictory. So it was that with the grace of a skilled fighter Aziraphale dodged tripwires and dart traps, and the beeping deadly Roomba. 

The lasers were a trickier matter. He walked up to the first one with some hesitation.

“Excuse me,” he waved cheerily at the laser. “You’re doing a jolly good job of protecting this room. I just wondered if you would mind letting me scoot past.” 

The beam swung out of his way, thankfully not damaging anything else on its way. “Oh, thank you ever so much.” Aziraphale cooed. It shone a bit brighter in pride.

He made it most of the way down the hallway like this, stopping every so often to politely ask one trap or another to move out of the way, or to chat with the sawblades swinging from the ceiling. 

However, one misstep was all it took. While complimenting the shine of one of the final lasers, Aziraphale’s foot slipped. A button in the floor clicked, and Aziraphale found himself falling through a trapdoor to a pit full of spikes below. Aziraphale’s wings unfolded into reality. It was too sudden and too tight a space for graceful flight. Aziraphale was just barely able to crash land on the other side of the pit in an undignified heap. With an irritated huff Aziraphale got to his feet and dusted himself off. His wings would need some grooming after that, but no doubt Crowley would be happy to help with that when he forgave Aziraphale for what he was doing. He was doing all this for Crowley’s sake, in any case.

After fussing with his clothes, making sure they looked just-so in front of Crowley’s cameras, Aziraphale moved on. He slid his wings away, and looked at the door to the plant room before him. There was some electronic doodad attached to the door handle. Aziraphale poked it. 

A pleasant voice emitted from the device. Aziraphale had heard of things like this, Alexis and Sarah? AI assistants. “Master Crowley, please speak to verify your identity.

Well, that was handy of the lock, to tell Aziraphale exactly what was needed to unlock it. 

He focused on his memory of Crowley’s voice, cool and stylish just like him (or so Aziraphale thought, at least) and did his best to mimic it. He cleared his throat, and in Crowley’s voice he declared “Tartan  **_is_ ** stylish.” 

“Processing… … … Voice match complete. You may proceed, master Crowley.” Aziraphale patted the device fondly and he opened the door. Still in Crowley’s voice “Thank you, dear miss googles.” 

Aziraphale stepped through the door, and plunged right into freezing cold water. He had known Crowley would go all out in his defenses, and that he had a flair for the dramatic, but he hadn’t predicted  _ this _ . A deep moat of water ran around the outer edge of the entire room. Aziraphale floated, looking rather disgruntled. This outfit would be ruined for sure, and he could only be grateful he was no longer wearing his favorite jacket and bowtie.

This was ridiculous. How many miracles had Crowley even used to make something like this possible in the middle of a flat in central London? With a huffy snap, Aziraphale climbed to stand on the surface of the water. It may not have been playing fair, but it was hardly a big miracle, just one of the old classics. And besides, he rather thought he had been through enough silliness that night. 

He strode purposefully across the moat, until he felt something nipping at the soles of his feet. Aziraphale looked down. Sharks. There were sharks in the water… “Really my dear, you just couldn’t help yourself could you.” Annoyance and fondness fought for dominance of his face. 

Not just sharks, but crocodiles too, now that he was looking into the water. And piranhas. And spikes. Oh, Crowley.

“Oh, pardon me,” Aziraphale stepped onto the floor, leaving the mess of aquatic life behind him. They seemed more curious than dangerous, anyway. 

Each of the 14 plants Aziraphale had not yet kidnapped stood on stone pedestals under plexiglass cases. Another Roomba, this one with a laser taped to its back, patrolled this room. 

Aziraphale stared at the plexiglass and thought. He could always miracle up a giant drill or something, but that didn’t seem sporting. His angelic strength was probably enough to simply shatter the cases… But that was so untidy. At last, his eyes fell onto the Roomba. 

He crossed over to it and carefully scooped it into his arms, mindful of the laser. The machine beeped frantically. Aziraphale stroked its back soothingly, murmuring soft encouragement and praise. Eventually, the Roomba calmed down. Aziraphale gently detached the laser from it and released the machine to go about its business. It nudged his foot affectionately before scooting off. 

Aziraphale used his newly acquired laser to cut a neat hole into each glass case like the spies did in Crowley’s movies. It was really just a laser pointer, not strong enough to do anything like that, but Aziraphale didn’t know that, so it worked. 

He examined the pedestals the plants stood on. Just as he had expected, each one had a mechanism. Aziraphale had been dragged to more than one movie with Crowley. These likely sensed a change in weight on the pedestals. He briefly toyed with the idea of intentionally setting them off, just to see if Crowley really had set up a giant boulder to roll through his flat. It was an amusing idea, but he couldn’t guarantee he could get all the poor, dear plants out safely if he did that. Luckily, he had come prepared for just such a trap. He knew Crowley’s style of doing things after all, even at his most… imaginative. Carefully, he extracted each plant, leaving a replacement behind on the pedestals. 

Humming cheerily, he taped a ransom note to the back of the Roomba, and made his safe retreat. 

***

Crowley returned to the flat in the early morning, confident that his security measures would have stopped Aziraphale. He would go to the plant room to check on things, and surprise his disappointed angel with brunch to cheer him up and talk about things. It did not occur to him to check the cameras, they were more there for the look of the thing than anything. 

Crowley made it about four feet into the flat before tripping over one of the wires. Several alarms began shrilly blaring at once. Things… did not get better from there. He did not so much dodge and weave as stumble and crawl through a “hell” of his own making.

By the time he reached the plant room his perfectly styled hair had been sliced off and he had several darts sticking out of his clothes. 

He pulled himself up, wheezing, by the door handle. It was locked of course, but surely this defense wouldn’t bite him in the arse. “I need you to…” he gasped for air “open this door… right now.” 

“Unfamiliar voice detected. Initiating emergency protocols” 

“Nononononono.”

_ Whumph _ . Crowley’s remaining hair caught fire. 

It took several more tries for him to calm down enough for the program to recognize his voice. “Welcome, master Crowley.”

“Welcome yourself” he grumbled. 

“Thank you.” she chirped back. Aziraphale had definitely been here and rubbed off on the AI. Crowley groaned.

And almost stepped directly into shark-infested water. The miscellaneous dangerous water animals, who should not be able to live together, stared back at him. Crowley ran his hands over his singed face in exasperation. Why did everything always have to be so bloody difficult? Oh well, nothing for it.

He transformed into a long serpent, as long as he could manage. He reared up, as if to strike, but instead flopped his body across the moat as far as he could. It… mostly worked. Half of him made it across. The other half got soaked. At least he avoided getting attacked by any of the creatures, who seemed strangely docile. Probably Aziraphale’s influence again. 

He returned to human shape, and got his first good look at the room around him, and more importantly, the plants in it. 

It was filled, not just on the 14 empty pedestals but far beyond that, with cacti of all shapes and sizes. Rather stubborn looking cacti. Aziraphale had probably given them a pep-talk. The utter. Glorious. Bastard! Crowley loved him so much.

***

The phone to the bookshop rang. Aziraphale answered it with a triumphant smile. “I take it you found my note, dear?”

“You mean this piece of paper that says  _ ‘be nice to the plants I’ve left or else’ _ ” Crowley mimicked mockingly. “Yes, I’ve read it. And I’ve reviewed the security footage. What I don’t understand is…”

“Yes?”

“Is why you suddenly care so much about this. Never bothered you before.”

“Ah…” Aziraphale fiddled with his cufflinks. “I started paying more attention I suppose. To the types of things you said to them.” Crowley must know that he’s been projecting onto them, mustn’t he? 

“Types of things? What, like ‘grow better’? Doesn’t seem that outlandish angel.” Apparently not. 

“Things like ‘not good enough’ and ‘have to be perfect’ my dear. Things like casting them out for any flaw.”

“Yes. And?”

“Darling. You are not inadequate to me. I love you, and I won’t throw you away.”

Crowley was silent. 

“I know the fall must have been awful my dear, but recreating it over and over again with your plants can’t be healthy. And I can’t have you thinking I would… That I would treat you like she did. I simply wouldn’t. You must know that… after all this time, surely?” Aziraphale was rambling. He knew he was rambling and stepping right into the minefield of what must be a sensitive subject for Crowley. 

“Angel.” The voice that finally cut him off was shockingly gentle. “This is all. All a big misunderstanding. I think I need to show you something. Wait there.”

“Oh?” before Aziraphale could ask more, the phone line went dead.

***

Crowley arrived in front of the bookshop in the Bentley. Aziraphale patted her hood, and murmured conspiratorially, “Thank you for your help last night dear girl. I would never have gotten them all out without you.” The Bentley radiated the same pleased puzzlement she had throughout her help with the plant abductions. She clearly enjoyed Aziraphale’s attention and praise, but didn’t seem to understand why he was bothering with this. 

“Oi angel! Get in already.” 

“Of course, my dear.” Aziraphale climbed into the passenger seat. “Care to explain where we’re going?”

“Nah, you’ll see when we get there.”

Crowley slammed the gas pedal down, and the Bentley gleefully charged forward. Aziraphale yelped. “Really you two! Must you always behave like this?” 

***

Aziraphale’s bewilderment only grew as they left London completely. 

Eventually, they were rushing along a country lane at unreasonable speeds. They were somewhere near the seaside. Aziraphale had never seen this area before, but Crowley seemed to know exactly where they were going. 

The Bentley pulled up in front of a small cottage. Crowley got out, but instead of sauntering to the building, he went to collect something from the back seat. Aziraphale peered behind himself curiously. Crowley picked up something covered with a blanket. A blanket that Aziraphale noticed in shock, was tartan.

“C’mon angel, you can’t just sit there gaping at me all day.” 

Aziraphale closed his mouth with a snap and followed Crowley towards the cottage. 

The front garden was lush, filled with plants of all kinds. A garden like that must take extensive care. “Crowley, who’s house is this.”

“Ah. See, that’s… ngk. That’s a thing. Erm.” 

“Crowley. Use your words, dear.”

“It’s ours. Uh. Mine, ‘s mine.”

Aziraphale looked at the tartan blanket in the demon’s hands and barely dared to hope. “Ours?”

Crowley looked at him from over his sunglasses, considering his expression carefully and choosing how to respond. 

“Yeah. Only if you want though.”

“That’s a lovely idea, but what exactly does this have to do with the issue of your plants.”

“Right, was getting to that bit.” Crowley took a deep breath to steady himself. ‘ _ Lovely idea!’  _ He unlocked the front door. 

“Oh, Crowley!” Aziraphale gasped as he peered into the cottage. It was an extremely cozy space, with soft leather furniture, bookshelves everywhere, and plush burgundy rugs spread on the hardwood floor.

Most astonishing of all, on every available surface sat familiar plants. Crowley took the bundle he was holding to an end table and with a flourish he pulled away the tartan blanket. This revealed the original cactus, which he set gently onto the end table. 

“Crowley,” Aziraphale breathed, “I thought these had been destroyed. I thought… oh dear. I’ve been rather foolish, haven’t I?”

“Nah, not really. You were right about… some things.”

“Such as?”

“How I talk to them being… about me. Sometimes.” Crowley looked away. Aziraphale knew it would take a long time for them to work through this. Just getting Crowley to admit that something was up was a big step.

“But I couldn’t destroy them, just wanted to scare the others. Ran out of space to hide them all, so…” Crowley gestured to the cottage around them.

The house must not just be for excess plants though. Crowley had referred to it as theirs, after all. “And the bookshelves, dear?” 

“Thought if I got it right, perhaps… Maybe you’d want to stay here together.” 

“Of course I’ll stay with you, darling.” Aziraphale kissed his blushing cheek. “Forever, if you’ll have me.” 

Aziraphale leaned their foreheads together. “Your plants.” 

“Hmm?”

  
“ _ You _ , my dear. Are worthy of my love, and deserve kindness. Flaws and all.”


End file.
